Archive for the 'Humor' Category



Where I Am, Lord

I’d almost forgotten that I had started composing a new parody, so after a long delay, I give you:

Refrain:

Will you meet me
Where I am, Lord?
What I feel, Lord, must always be right.
I won’t go, Lord,
You can’t lead me,
All your people follow their own hearts.

Why, O Lord? I don’t know why,
It just makes me want to cry,
All this talk of mortal sin.
Won’t you still save?

refrain

I have tossed and turned all night.
There isn’t any darkness, right?
Won’t all live forevermore
In your embrace?

refrain

Look at all those hearts of stone!
They want me to come on home,
Why won’t they leave me alone?
I am OK!

refrain

(feel free to add more verses…)

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Separated at birth?

I was reading the news this morning, and a photograph of our next Speaker of the House struck a random chord…
nancy_pelosi.jpg
w_g_lady_tottington_web.jpg
Hmmm….

This hasn’t happened to me in my research (yet)

gmstemcells.png

(HT: the Cannonball, via Mulier Fortis)

I’m not worthy…

CMinor and DMinor have composed the parody to end all parodies, this time a take on the Foley scandal, to the tune of “Turn the Page”.

I give you… “Text the Page“…

I’d Rather Be (or, Lightyears Away)

(as a follow up to On Chicken Wings, and I suspect you can guess the tune…)

Here in this place, bright light is streaming,
Now is the dentist drilling away.
See in this place, my fear and my screaming,
Accepting the punishment for tooth decay.

I’d rather be washing old dirty dishes,
I’d rather be walking miles in the rain,
Than here on my back, with anaethesia,
Praying the drill doesn’t enter my brain!

He says, “Open wide, I can’t see way back there,
How can I fix it, only by feel?”
So I take a deep breath, say a quick prayer,
And hope if he slips that the damage will heal.

I’d rather be doing calculus problems,
I’d rather be cleaning hair from the drain,
Than here on my back, with anaesthesia,
Praying the drill doesn’t enter my brain!

Things are progressing, I’d almost say nicely,
Three cavities down, and one more to do,
But one little nerve is blocked only mildly,
He enters the pulp, I think I might sue…

I’d rather be trapped on a small island,
I’d rather be mumbling, declared insane,
Than here on my back, with anaesthesia,
Praying the drill doesn’t enter my brain!

The torture is through, my terror is ending,
I leap from the chair, not feeling so ill,
But here in this place, one rule is unbending,
Before leaving the office, you must pay your bill!

I’d rather be saving for a vacation,
But yet, on the whole, I cannot complain.
Despite all my fears, in jubilation,
That horrible drill didn’t enter my brain!

First, the Blessed Virgin Mary on a cheese sandwich…

Remember this from a few years ago?

Now, Allah’s name appears on an egg.

What’s next?

Governmentium

Too funny not to pass along…

New Element: Governmentium

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named “Governmentium.”

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction which would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

(HT: Eric Scheske)